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What To Do When You Think Your In-Laws Hate You

Posted on June 3, 2013 at 8:14 AM Comments comments (1350)
Most of the time we see where the spouse has a problem with the in-laws. Most of the time it's the female spouse dealing with the mother of the male spouse. They just don't click and the spouse that is coming into the relationship will automatically have a dislike for the in-law. However this post is talking about when the In-laws really hate the spouse. It could be the male spouse or the female spouse. So we are going to take a look at what you should do when your In-laws just hate you for no real reason. Or for reasons that they might not have addressed to you.

You being the hated spouse have no hard feelings towards your in-laws. In fact you found it most surprising that you have sense this negativity towards you when you have attempted to be the additional child in the new family dynamics. Many times it's not what they have said but what you have perceived. You have mentioned these feelings to your spouse only for him/her to say that it's not true. While your spouse can attempt to smooth things over between you he/she can't dictate how your in-laws actions or words make you feel. 

Some actions that might help when you are preceding this negative actions or comments from your in-laws.

Step One- Open loving communication with your spouse:
Always go directly to your spouse in a serious yet loving way. Tell your spouse your true feelings about how you feel about his family. Remain calm as you converse with him. Be careful not to offend your spouse's family. Use your "I" words. For example instead of saying "Your mother thinks she knows it all and attempts to put me down in a sneaky way in front of you and others." Say it this way: "I feel that some of the comments that your mother says about me in front of others makes me feel as though she is putting me down. It hurts my feelings and I am embarrass." You might want to call her the evil bride of the devil himself but don't do this while speaking to your spouse. That is his/her mother and you would not like anyone speaking bad about your mother or father. If you don't handle the conversation with love then you may open a door that can never be closed again. Pick your time and make sure you are not angry at the time.

Step Two- Apologize, forgive, and forget:
You will have to be the bigger person. You may not feel that you have done anything wrong, but some problem had occurred. Rather than allowing everything that you have had building up inside of you loose simply apologize for whatever role you played in creating the tension. Now this is the hard part you must forgive your in-laws. You must move pass the negativity for the sake of your family. Your spouse will see that you are trying your best and will take a second look at his/her parents. If your spouse see that it's not you then your spouse will come to your aid. 

Step Three- Try to meet their needs:
Open up for dialog. You need to talk with your in-laws to see what it is they want of you or from you. Have your spouse with you when this is done, make an honest attempt. If you find out that there is really something expected and you do it then expect to see things change. If they do not then you know you have attempted and leave it at that. Your spouse will know that you did your best. Some people will just not like you no matter what, but at least you have given it all you have and you can be polite to your in-laws. This will keep your spouse happy and your children. Be Christ like no matter what. Pray for them and one day there will be peace in your marital life. 

As a spouse you want your family to have peace and harmony. You are the only one that can make that happen. If you don't argue and keep hate going then it can't grow. Purpose in your heart even if you have to keep distance that you will not be the cause of friction between your spouse and your family. As  long as you have the Lord leading then your situation will change for your well good and His glory.


Is Reality TV Good For Marriage

Posted on April 12, 2013 at 6:33 AM Comments comments (568)
I have to make a confession I really like the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Now with that said this season I have to admit that it really got on my last nerve. I'm going to be honest I'm not sure if I will watch it next season. Why? I was just not pleased with what they have shown me about marriage. First of all there are only three ladies that are actually married. So how can you call yourself the Real Housewives? Second the ladies acted like middle school bad girls. The older ladies who have been married or were married treated the youngest married lady really bad. While she was not very knowledgeable and appeared as if she was an airhead she was married and attempting to live the housewife life. She was trying to honor her marriage and what her husband wanted. While I felt that somethings were a bit overboard but then again they had only been married for two years.

The ladies were stating to her that her husband was controlling and that she should be her own woman. While there was some truth to that still that was her marriage and no two marriages are alike. The sad part is that after the season was over it has been stated that the couple are heading for divorce. Could it had been the pressure of the show? She being around the ladies who are all self-made ladies and have a career? Was it because her husband really is controlling and does not want her on the show? Could it had been because the show was just not good for their marriage. 

I don't know the answer to this question but my limited research has shown that on the entire housewife franchise there have been over 13 breakups while the couples have been on these shows. Maybe showing your day to day marriage with its up's and down's for all the world to see may not be the best thing for marriage. I understand wanting to work and to be on the air but if it's going to affect the marriages then is it worth it?

I still feel that while we love to take a peek at these exciting people it's not worth loosing your marriage over it. I'm at fault because I'm one of the ones that will sit there and wait for the show to come on. I could be the part of the group that is causing couples in this high profile to break-up. I am praying for the young couple who I have pictured here that with good Christian counseling and help from their pastor with prayer that they will become the couple that they should be. Two years married is not very long and they need to give it another try and work harder on it. 

Now the last thing I must confess....I'm not sure that I won't be back next season waiting to see the outcome...what can I say I'm only Give us your comments on Marriage and the real housewives.

Did You Marry Your Soul Mate?

Posted on March 20, 2013 at 8:14 AM Comments comments (640)
Have you ever looked at your spouse and wondered..."hum is he/she my real soul mate?" I hope not. But if you have or just want to make sure that you have the soul mate created for you by God then it would be great to look at ten tips that will let you know.
2R1N CHRIST has been blessed to have an association with a lovely couple who's ministry is leading singles to their soul mate. I love their dedication to the work that God had entrusted them with and just wanted to share some of the tips that they have developed. 
With that said I present: Ten Ways to Know if you have met (or married in our case) your soul mate  by Petula & Dexter Jones from their book SOUL MATE OR JUST ANOTHER DATE....Dexter L. Jones
According to the Jones:

1. Know yourself and know what type of characteristics, traits and personality you want in a soul mate and don't deviate and accept less than what you know you are satisfied with. Does that person match that?
Since most of us on 2r1n Christ are already married then you know already if your spouse fits you or not. I can say without a doubt that my husband is right there for me. Many of us did not go into marriage wondering if your spouse was the one. Now if you are having problems with character, traits and personality then you are a unit now and building your marriage on Jesus. Commit to rededicating your lives and marriage to God and ask Him to form any imperfections that you find in each other. Seek a Christian counselor or your pastor for help.

2. Do you have a witness and peace in your spirit and heart about this individual in your life? If you do not then slow it down and make sure that you are led of the Spirit.
I can say that I knew without a doubt that I was brought to him as his mate for life. I really had a very strong witness from the Holy Spirit. You should know this by now. As you grow closer together in God He will take any doubts that might come up about coming together away. But  as you read these in hindsight you can see that yes indeed you are with your soulmate.

3. The two of you seem to naturally flow together, there is a great spiritual and soul (mental ) connection between the two of you.
Being married to my best friend we have connected in every way. The good thing is that so far I know that most of the couples reading this knows that they are with their soul mates.

4. To look at this person is like looking at an image of you.
Yes I can see that and its good to know that your spouse mirrors you on the inside.

5. When you've met your soul mate the two of you will display the utmost honesty and support for one another and this person will make you (the female) feel beautiful and satisfied? This person will make you (the male) feel like you're very worthy and able to accomplish anything.
I can just hear all of my married couples yelling now "I did it right I'm with my soul mate."

6. With your soul mate it's like you've known this person for a longtime even though the time has been brief.
Remember that this is set up for a single person. You know this already and when you think back on it you will remember what you felt when you met. I would look at my now husband then friend and think I want to sit across from him always. I felt as if we had always been right from the very start.

7. Your soul mate and you are very harmonious and can work well together.
We can understand that nothing is trouble free but when you are with your spouse and you are for the most part working together and in harmony with each other 9times out of 10 you are with your soulmate.

8. Both of you are very supportive of one another and desire to see growth in each other in every area of life.
I can just see all of my married couples jumping for joy. Looking at each other knowing that without any doubts in your mind that you are with your soulmate.

9. Your soul mate accepts you for you; they're not in the business of trying to change you. They're like a best friend.
Its time for the praise dance. You have landed your soul mate and now the two of you are one.

10. Your soul mate adores the time they have with you and aren't afraid to make a commitment to you.
You will never have to wonder if your spouse is your soul mate or not. You are with that person.
While this should be a study that one should have been a part of before marriage it doesn't hurt the married couple to stop and remember when. I for one have enjoyed looking back over our beginnings and to look at where we are now. Knowing that you and your spouse are put together for a life time by God will continue to cement your marriage and relationship together for the duration of your lives.

My Spouse Bully or Friend?

Posted on February 12, 2013 at 12:23 AM Comments comments (624)
 Who would ever think that their spouse could be their bully? As spouses you are suppose to be friends with each other. You are suppose to be together in love and peace. Together you are suppose to share your life for as long as you are blessed to be alive. However how many of us are living daily with a bully. 

I know some of you are thinking that will never be my marriage. My spouse loves me and will never attempt to push me around. Many times when a spouse is a bully the other spouse is not aware of it. The spouse that does the bullying will demand their own way the majority of the times but will do it in such a way that the spouse that's being bullied will just see it as his or her right. For example: you are watching something on TV that you have been waiting for all week. You are enjoying the program and then during the commercial break you go and get you a drink. When you come back your spouse has turned the station to the game. 

You say "dear I was watching my show I've been waiting all week to see it. Please turn it back." He looks at you and simple states that the game is on and that he always watches the game on that TV. You pick up your popcorn and drink and go upstairs to the bedroom to watch the show that you have been waiting to see. When you get up there you find out that he is recording another show. You come back down and state that you have been wanting to see this show all week and now not only has he turned it from the main TV he is recording on the only other TV in the house. He doesn't care and continue with his game and will not stop the recording.

You missed your show because he will not give up what he wants and thinks nothing of it. You are so use to giving in that you just accept it and either watch the game with him or do something else. This example is speaking about the male spouse this can also happen with the female spouse as well. The husband may want to go out with his friends for a game of basketball. He won't go because every time he wants to do something it will be a big argument. The husband is made to feel guilty because he may want some time bonding with his male friends. However when the wife wants to go shopping with her girlfriends then nothing is to be said. 

This is selfishness and a form of bullying. When we look up the word bullying it is defined as the following: Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. To be a marital bully does not mean that you have to put your hands on the other spouse or is verbally rude. It could just be forcing the other spouse to give into your wishes when they would rather do otherwise but goes along with your forcefulness. This is not the way a spouse should act. Many times the bully in the relationship may not realize that is what he or she is doing.

They have been so use to getting what they want that they can't see that their actions are not in unity with the ways of a Godly union. We have to take control of our actions. We must remember that its no longer just about our own personal wants. Many times one spouse will ask for expensive gifts or toys. They may want a motorcycle,or race car. They may want a designer purse or shoes worth more than both of your paychecks put together. The bully will keep pushing until they get what they want. Once they get the latest want or toy they use it once and then never again. Nevertheless the payments on the toy is still coming out of the joint account.

This places strain on the marriage and then one day the bullied spouse may wake up and feel used or abused.He or she does not feel that you are treating them like a friend. They feel like they are always giving and never getting anything in return. Lets look at the definition of a friend. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. So what we need to look at in marriage is that we need to look at our spouse as a friend. We have to treat them in brotherly love. 

We have to share mutual affection and develop a bond that does not include sexual intimacy or a sense of family. We have to treat each other with respect. We don't push our way on our spouse just because we can. We must consider each other's feelings, needs and wants. It's not fair to always want expensive things when the house needs other things. It's not fair to hog all of the TV's or the best one when your spouse has been looking at it first. One spouse should not always state what can be watched on the TV, or what movie they will go to the theater to see. If one spouse gets to pick what should be eaten in the house or where they must go every time they go out then that spouse is using a form of bullying.

Marriage is a union. Your spouse should be your best friend and true friends try to please each other. True friends love you no matter what is going on or how you act. They are able to tell you about yourself in a loving way and you still know that they care. They are there for you and at times allow you to have your way as you allow them to have theirs. Your spouse has an even bigger role. Your spouse is your mate, lover, lifetime partner, and your best friend. Your mate is your gift from God and must be treated in a gentle and holy way. 

Remember that marriage is a forward moving work in motion. You must always look for ways to improve our relationship with each other. Check your actions. Look to see if you are acting like a friend or a bully. Watch how your spouse responds to you. If you are the spouse who sees that bullying maybe going on then stop right then and there and talk to your spouse. Let him or her know how you feel. Use "I" words so that its understood that this is how you see it and how you feel. If you are the one doing the bullying then listen and then look at yourself, your motives, and actions from your spouse point of view and make changes. 

If its to the point where intervention is needed then go to your pastor, marriage mentor or ministry, or Christian counselor. If you find yourself doing this then let your spouse know that you love them and then find ways that will make him/her know that they are loved and that their needs are important to you. The union of marriage is a covenant relationship and God is the center of that relationship. If you have doubts about your action then turn to your bible and read what God has to say about how a couple should live in holy matrimony. 

Always develop checks and balances in your marriage so you will be alerted to any chance of a red flag. When that flag is seen then stop and redirect your relationship to a Godly stable unit for life. So I go back to my original question:
My spouse bully or friend? 


Morning Joy

Posted on January 3, 2013 at 1:50 AM Comments comments (332)
God has given the married couple a beautiful gift in that we can wake up every morning with the love of our life. We can open our eyes and see love laying right beside us and just give God thanks. This new year our Lord wants us to focus on the beauty of our union. As married couples we need to celebrate this awesome gift. One of the ways that we have rediscovered this year is our morning intimate sessions. 

The first thing that comes to mind when I mention this is our physical intimacy. While that is at the top of the list and I must admit is a highlight first thing in the morning (wink, wink) it's not the only form of intimate joy in the morning. In this new season of marital romance we have found that its the other forms of marital intimacy that adds to the physical. Its those added inclusions of intimacy that allows you to reach that peak of joy first thing in the morning.

As spouses we need to wake up and just look at each other. Together joining hands and giving thanks to God for providing us with each other. This will open up our intimacy door. When we begin with spiritual intimacy it's the beginning of that internal fire to begin. One of the biggest turn ons that I have found first thing in the morning is to wake up at 3am and see my husband reading, studying and praying with the bible. It is so dear to my heart and just allows me to submit as a lovely flower opens up its petals. Many times this act of intimacy will lead to a discussion of how we love each other.

How we view our life as we embrace our love for God and each other. This spiritual intimacy in the early morning hours when the dawn has not broken yet but you feel the morning energy allows the married couple to move to the next form of intimacy. From that spiritual point its easy to move into the intellectual and social where we begin to speak into each other's being and remember different past events that brought us closer. We begin to dream again and enjoy being one together in everyday. 

We move into the intimacy of being friends with each other allowing this mood to let us drift into a hazy morning of just pure joy. Enjoying each other at this point with even touching each other. As we move on up the intimacy ladder we naturally  move to the physical. However the physical is different. Deeper, giving, and unselfish. You want to reach that level of joy that you have been blessed to have with each other. You discover that every part of the intimacy ladder in those early morning hours bring you closer to heaven then you have ever been.

Early morning joy is a must for every married couple. During every season of the marital relationship. Try to bring in all elements of real intimacy. Enjoy each other as you take a slow walk down lovers land first thing in the morning before daybreak. Come together in this most intimate way and then lay together in each other's arms as you both watch the sun rise to the beginning of another new day. 

Remember Joy comes with the morning!!! 


Facebook and Your Marriage

Posted on December 3, 2012 at 7:50 PM Comments comments (391)
 Do you think that posting about your marriage on Facebook is a good thing or a bad idea? While I feel that it's a great arena for positive encouragement, mentoring and teaching I find that many use it to brag or provide a false image of their union to make the world think that they are happy when they are not. 

I don't think its good to post on Facebook about what's going on in your household. We don't need to know if your husband brought you a new this or that. We don't need to know what you fixed for dinner or didn't. We don't need to see pictures of you kissing and looking into each others eyes as if the world was there when you two are fighting in real life. 

If your marriage is a fantasy that's great if that is what you two want. However we don't need to see something fake and think its real. What that does is cause someone who is in a difficult season of marriage or who is not married to want what you have or envy your marriage thinking that something must be wrong with them.

You don't need to use that media to air your dirty laundry either. We don't need to know these things. We need to see something that is real. Something that will edify our marriages and teach us how to live and love each other as God created marriage to be. Many times I read some of the post and I know the couple personally. I know that they are having grave martial issues that need a Christian counselor to assist them.

Yet I read the post on Facebook with one or the other couple stating how much they love each other. What a wonderful day they had and how their marriage is so great. They don't need to pretend to the Facebook world that their life is so great nor do they have to talk about how bad it is. What they should be doing instead of posting fake nonsense is communicating with each other and working on solving the real issues in their marriage.

Developing a daily marital life is hard enough that you don't need to have the world peeping into your marriage window. The moment that the truth comes out then you have invited others to put their mouth on your relationship. Many are hoping and praying against your union because you have invited others to look at your perfect martial world and because its fantasy envy sets in then jealousy. 

Your marriage must remain between the two of you and God. As marriage and relationship ministry leaders we have to sometimes open up our union for teaching purposes. We made a deal with each other that certain things would never be exposed to the public even in teaching. We made a vow with God to present our ministry from the truth. We give you the good and the bad along with solutions.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm not against Facebook or social media. I have many true virtual friends. I always attempt to give a positive word from God as much as I can. When I do speak about my marriage I do not attempt to make anyone feel slighted because they are not married or their marriage is currently in a difficult season. We as children of God must be mindful of each other and always walk in truth with love. Now do I fall short of this? Of course because I am not The Christ...but I try very hard to do what will help build the body. I know that my assignment is in the area of marriage and relationship and God holds me accountable for falsehood. 

So next time that you just want to brag about your perfect marriage then tell it to your spouse. Don't get on Facebook and let the world know when you really need to only keep such things between your spouse and God. Understand there is nothing wrong with an honest post about something you find great about your mate and your marriage. But make sure its something that's uplifting and would edify the people. 

We don't need to know your everyday as if to say in your face losers because I'm married and perfect and you are not. Remember social media can be a great tool for building the Kingdom of God. Just remember that what you write is there to stay and should be a way to help somebody. 

Hall Pass A Week Off From Marriage

Posted on November 1, 2012 at 2:15 PM Comments comments (213)
I have been watching TV more since I retired. Mostly because I'm home many times alone while my husband still works. Many time the TV is on talking to me. Then there are times that I actually stop and watch all or some parts of a show. Recently I watched part of a show where there were two couples who were married. Since I didn't see it from the beginning I have to assume some of the plot. So what I deduced was that the couples were having some problems or had become complacent or both.

The wives decided that they would give the husbands a week off from marriage. Just like in school when you are allowed to leave the class to do whatever that teacher would give you a hall pass. Which means that you have permission to be out of class for however long that pass allows. What these wives did was to give the husbands a week long hall pass where they could live as if they were never married. The wives took the children and went away. The husbands and the wives could have sex, date, party, or anything that they felt was needed that they were not getting at home with their spouse. 

This movie had me thinking "what would I do if we both decided to have a week off from marriage"? Would I run out looking to be the old single girl that I used to be? Would I run to the night clubs or single in spots to cruise for men? Really after being married for so long what really would I do? Then I thought what would my husband do if given that time without the Godly restraints of marital standards?

I waited until my husband got home and just asked him. The first thing that he said was "you know I don't like questions like this. I don't want to think about life without you not even for a week." I said "oh come on I just want to know. Not that I want this but for the ministry...the ministry!!!" We both laughed and he agreed to answer the question. As I waited to hear what he was going to say now that he had a hall pass to think about having one I noticed that suddenly I really didn't want to know. I didn't want to think that he would want a week off from our marriage.

It seemed like it took him forever to answer the question. Then he sat down and pulled me down with him. He looked into my eyes and spoke softly. Then he just started telling me what he would do if he had a week off from me. This is his week off from marriage hall pass: I would take a nap because I'm tired. Once I wake up then I would fix me something to eat. After that I would watch every sport event on the tube. I would read my bible and do some laundry and then I would get ready for work the next day. After that I would go to bed. The next day I would get up and go wherever you are and bring you home. You see life would not be life for me if you are not there.

I don't need a week off from marriage to run around and find women again. I am so beyond that and I don't desire to see any other face but yours. There is too much work trying to get to know someone else. I already know you and you know me. I married you because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you for better or for worse. I know this is not what you wanted but this is what I had to give.

It was as if I had been holding my breath waiting for his response because all I knew was that I could breath again. I kissed him with a passion that suddenly rekindled from deep within and believe me we had a great evening (wink wink).
He asked me later on what I would do if he gave me a week off from marriage and I laughed and said that I would do the same thing that he did minus doing the laundry...ha,ha,ha. You see marriage is the highlight of our life. There is nothing out there that I want we have it all inside our own world.

God created us to be social creatures we want to be with someone and grow together. No one said marriage would be easy but as you travel down the road of marital bliss you evolve to another level. As you manage the many seasons of marriage you find that your marriage changes and grows. Before you know it your marriage does not look the same as it did when you first started your marital life. There is no way I would want to go back to the beginning or to the way we were when we were a couple dating each other. 

While we still date in our marriage its not the same. We know each other. We know what each other likes and we don't like. We know how to compromise for the better of the marriage. We love each other but we now know that love is not just physical or emotional. We know that as lovers we have to choose to love each other no matter what. We also know that we must like each other. That other than Lord Jesus we are each others best friends and we must treat each other as we would treat a best friend. 

I could not imagine at this age going back on the single scene. I wouldn't have a clue and wouldn't want to learn what to do. I would just be a servant for the Lord for the rest of my life then to be out looking for love in that way. I am so happy that at 38 years of marriage I am with the love of my life and my friend that can make me laugh in an instant. I was glad that I watched the end of the this movie because it did give me something like this to think about.

I so love how God created us to be in this marital union. As we unite with Him and place Him as the Head of our marital union then we grow like a mighty maple tree. Tall strong with many branches and leaves that grow and change during different seasons. As I think about it now I was not one of those students who wanted to get a hall pass to get out of class. I actually liked being in the classroom learning just like I like being in the confines  of marriage learning to grow for our lifetime. 

There should not be any free hall passes in marriage. Each marriage is different. We all create our lives together that would better the couple that we are and the family that we would one day become or have become. Marriage God's way will guide us through the rough times and celebrate with us during the good times. I can surely say that I'm a better person since I've been with my husband all these years and he states that he feels the same way. That does not mean that we are not strong individuals but our marriage helps our individual selves.

So I guess you are wondering what happened with the movie hall pass. Well the husbands and wives realized that they were too old and happy after all in their relationship. While they found the scenario exciting in the beginning the freedom to go out and just do whatever they thought they were missing got old. They soon found out that they really didn't want that and wanted to be with their spouses. See even in fiction the bottom line is being with the one you have vowed to love through thick and thin is better than running around and having freedom to play. Playing is not something you want to do even for a week. If you want to play its better to play with someone that knows how to play well with you.

Now I give you that very question. If you were given a hall pass from your marriage to do whatever you wanted for a week would you one take it and two what would you do. Write us and let us know.  

Can Separation be a good thing in marriage?

Posted on October 2, 2012 at 10:40 PM Comments comments (136)
I never thought I would have to wonder about this subject when it came to my marriage. We have been closely together for over 30 years and really we are closer to 40 years than we are 30. We have always been together. In fact we never really thought about not being with one another.Until now. Recently after all of these years of togetherness we found out that we would have to live apart.

This turn of events came on as a shock. While it was a good shock because my husband had been promoted and part of the promotion was that he would have to live where he worked for months at a time it didn't dawn on us that we had not ever been separated. This got me to thinking. When in marriage is separation a good thing?

We all know that when a marriage is in trouble one of the first things that a couple will result to is separation. While this can be a very hurtful time it can also be a good time. What separation does is allow the couple to explore individually how they feel about their spouse. Its the old saying of you never miss your water until your well runs dry. While it might sound corny it is very true. 

It was not until my husband left that I found that things I once did on my own without thinking I had begun to relay on him to do. Simple things that you take for granted. Such as taking out the trash on trash day. I haven't had to do that for over 30 years. Filling up my gas tank in my car every week. I know pitiful. Or how about sleeping in the bed alone at night? I can't really remember when he was not there beside me.

I thought for a second it would be so good to have the bed to myself. This only lasted for about a day or two. I missed him. I missed just laughing together or talking about our day. I missed his emails and text message saying he was up the street and did I want something. Or him bringing me home a slurpy. 

When we talked on the phone I asked him what did he miss about me? He said that he missed my silly jokes that made him laugh because they didn't make sense. He missed me looking after him and coming home from work and seeing me there. He missed all the conversations that we seemed to have and he missed cuddling at night and going to sleep. 

For so many years this was a given and now with the separation we have time to reflect on just how much we mean to each other. I discovered that sometimes separation is good in a marriage. While its a great time to analyze your feelings about your spouse you also get to miss them. You realize that the grass is not greener in another's yard. You get to look at yourself and want to improve who you are so that you will be a better spouse once you are back together.

When your marriage has hit a rocky spot some times separation can act as a time out. During that time it allows both spouses time to dig deep within and see if the marriage is worth working on. If you have hit this period in your life then during the spousal separation period seek spiritual help. Talk to a Christian counselor or your pastor. Encourage your spouse to do the same. If there is no other recourse but to separate for good then attempt to separate in a cordial and Christian way. This however should be the last result unless one spouse is abusive or actively commenting adultery.

Or if a spouse refuses to work and help support the home and family. This spouse may need some time apart to understand his or her role in the family. However if you find yourself like us and separated for a time then take advantage of this time. Give God thanks for all of the little things that your spouse does for you. Then let your spouse know how grateful you are for them doing these things.
While the two of you are separated send your spouse a letter via the mail (you know that old fashion way we use to send mail) telling your spouse how much you love and appreciate them. Them when you see each other bring the universal gift of love "one red rose". This will tell your spouse that you still love him/her and that you miss and appreciate them.

All in all I do feel that separation in a marriage is very healthy and sometimes so needed.Even in an old stable marriage. 

Am I the only one who does not understand polyamory?

Posted on September 2, 2012 at 12:02 AM Comments comments (1044)
Now that I'm retired I have gone back to my up all night ways. I am a natural night person. I become more creative at night so I'm up at night working on ministry, business or my great American novel....yea the last one is a laugh. 

As I find myself up and my husband is asleep I turn on the TV just to have background sound. I have watched or should I say listened to some great cable shows and movies. I do like reality shows that have something to do with life, ministry, love, or business. I like to see people go after their dreams and set out to do the impossible. This motivates me at this vintage age to live my life the way I've always wanted to. OK enough about me but I do have a point to make so please just stick with me. 

So as I heard what was coming on next on one of these stations I heard that the next show would be taking about marriage and dating. Being me I got excited. How I love married couples dating each other each week or more. So I wanted to see what it was all about. The show was called "Polyamory marriage and dating". For those that know about polyamory I can hear you laughing at me now. To my surprise this was not the show that I thought it would be at all. In fact I stopped what I was doing when I realized what was going on and stared with my mouth open. I could not watch it all but I did get enough of it.

Things are worse than I thought where marriage as God has created it to be. People have decided that what God created is not good enough. They are saying that He (God) created something that needs to change with the changing times. That we as Christians must adapt and allow people to love as they choose to. I have no problems with them loving whomever. What I do have a problem with when they attempt to make my Lord appear outdated. That what He deemed orderly and correct is not. That a human creature can do better than the creator.

So what was the show about. I will tell you right now it had nothing to do with marriage and dating your husband. The definition of "Polyamory" is Poly= many or several (Greek root). Amor= love (Latin root). So polyamory means many or several loves. The show focused on two polyamory relationship. One group were considered a tirade which consisted of a legal married couple male and female who were engaged and living with another female who was going to be married (and I use the term loosely) to both and she considered herself the girlfriend of both of them.

They lived in the same home and slept in the same bed. Where everyone had sex with everyone. The married couple were sharing their wedding anniversary and stated that sometimes it was hard for them to be together and have alone time. The second group consisted of a legal married couple male and female. Who invited their love couple (who were married to each other) to move in with them and had a group marriage. Along with the original couple the wife has a outside girlfriend that she is not ready to share with the rest of the polygamous family. 

Honestly I can't tell you anymore than that because I turned. It didn't make any sense to me. What the couples were saying to prove their lifestyle was that monogamy caused people to be unstable and have the tendency and desire to cheat. It offered them the temptation to be dishonest. However polyamory was based on truth. You could have a relationship with anyone in the family group. You were married to everyone in the group.

They went so far as to have these so called commitment ceremonies that united the group as husbands and wives. They stated that the practice, desires, are acceptance of having more than one loving intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. They stated that it is distinct from swinging which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational. Or  from polysexuality which is attraction towards multiples genders and or sexes. What really got to me was the fact that both of the legally married couples stated in a round about way that there was some jealousy and no real privacy. 

Really guys am I the only one appalled with this lifestyle parading as a marriage? Not only that on TV for all to see and think that this was a real and true way of life and marriage. For them to say that this is what marriage should be. To allow people to come up with any and everything and push it on us as marriage. Then march for their rights to have this foolishness called marriage. 

People we are in bad shape. No wonder God is calling us out on marriage as an issue. Our Lord is counting on us to live a moral life. If marriage is destroyed then the family as a whole breaks down. We wonder why America is falling. Our core is breaking. We are so busy being politically correct that we are no longer Godly correct. If we that know how things should be don't stand up for what is right our children and our children's children and their children will have nothing solid to fall back on. This polyamory life style does not make sense.

If you look at what they are doing and saying then you can see that those in this situation have problems. The wife that had the couple living with them and the outside girl friend who by the way was married was jealous of her husband having a relationship with her girlfriend yet they say that this lifestyle produced honesty. A union such as marriage can not grow properly when you include more people in the mix. Those of us that are married know that its difficult to say the least to work hard on the marriage daily to allow it to grow. 

We would tell you without Jesus we would not make it. If we didn't have Him as our rock then we would not remain together or move forward. In this polyarmoy union with the married couple and the two other people plus outside girlfriend had children. I didn't watch the show long enough to see the interaction they had with the children. What I saw was the main wife telling the child that the couple would be living with them soon. 

I also saw that there were problems between the main wife and the new woman moving in with her mate living in the home. This woman did not feel comfortable in the home because the main wife set all the rules and the other woman in the union stated that she felt like she was back home living with parents asking for permission. None of it made sense and maybe if I watched the show to the end I would have received a better form of knowledge to why this form of  "marriage" should be allowed or considered as standard. 

But alas I could not watch this mess another second and just sat there with my mouth opened and wanted to understand the thinking for putting this reality show on the air for anyone to watch. I have often stated that marriage as God created it was on the attack and now my eyes are wide open and I see it as a horrible attack from the enemy of God to upset the apple cart and destroy all that is good and moral.

You might think that I'm coming down hard on this lifestyle and I'm sorry I am. I can only see our nucleus being destroyed the foundation of the family. I can only see destruction of all things that are good and holy. We who know the truth and follow God's word and laws we must work on our marriage. We must study to show ourselves approved so that we can teach the children. So that we won't enter into marriage without proper knowledge and once married we will know how to keep it growing and united. 

All I could see from this program and lifestyle is "Lust". Lust will never make a marriage. It is not the glue needed to build a lifetime on. Marriage must have that Godly cord as the foundation to stabilize the union. He should be the head of the union and the guide of the relationship. He should be the one you turn to. Not the TV or news media or the politically correct people. 

I would love for every man and woman to be happy. You will not find that from things without but from the God that's within. He will guide you to all truth. When you have a marriage His way then it will last forever. Sorry guys I see now we can't put our heads in the sand and pretend. We have to learn and lead by His example we owe it to the generations to follow how marriage is suppose to be. 

As always leave your comments tell me what you think about this new form of  " so called marriage" we welcome your opinion. 

I Hope You Dance

Posted on August 2, 2012 at 2:07 PM Comments comments (1473)
For those who have kept up with our ministry over the few years we have been here should know by now our love story. If you don't I will give you a little of it. We fell in love on the dance floor. I love to dance and my husband does too. We have dance through every season of our marriage. Good ones as well as the difficult ones. Our children were brought up dancing and now our grandchildren dance as well. We would hear music and just jump up and start moving. No one cared if it was good or not. We just moved our bodies to the music and had fun. 

My husband and I were in sync from the very moment he asked me to dance. I knew then that I would like to be with him. So what am I really trying to say here I feel you wondering? Marriage like a dance takes time and effort to run smoothly. For some the moment you meet you just naturally are able to follow the dance that is being written. You know that you are meant and you take that step to become one and you just blend. You learn the marriage dance from the very beginning and move forward. 

That's not to say that those couples don't make a wrong step in the dance or are off key. It just means that they can easily move together in the dance of love, commitment, and marital intimacy. What it means is that this couple knows how to follow each other during the dancing process. They know that at different times in marriage one might lead while the other follows. This does not make either of them better it just means that at that time the one leading knows what's needed to accomplish the goals during the phase of their marriage. While the one following is there for support and encouragement.

This phase of the marriage dance for some maybe extremely hard. Instead of following the steps together that will allow them to move on to other phases of the marriage dance they fight for leadership and the dance becomes difficult and awkward. Once they get out of step or cannot figure out the pattern of the marriage dance just like real dancing they appear less cohesive and everyone can see their flaws. 

Sometimes that very couple may not know that they are dancing out of step. They continue with their struggle for leadership of the marital dance. If neither want to yield to the other in order to get the dance steps right then the dance of marriage is a disaster and then that couple needs to seek a dance instructor. That instructor just like a real dance instructor knows the dance and can help you as a couple get back to the real act of the marital dance. 

You will learn the proper dance and begin to enjoy each other as you dance the real dance of marital love. As time goes on as a couple you learn to blend together. During your troubles as with the act of physical dancing you have to take your time and work together to get the steps right. The same thing with the marital dance. You have to work through times of adversity and work together as you learn that marital dance step. Then before you know it you can dance together without looking at each other.

You can dance the marriage dance with ease. Ever watched a couple who has been married for a while dancing together? They seem to be enjoying themselves. They are dancing together with ease. They know their moves. They don't care who's watching. They dance until they can't anymore but while they are doing it they are having fun. If one or both of them miss a step then they will start laughing and keep going.  From their very dance moves you can see how their marriage has grown and blended together.

This couple has learned each other over the years and are now moving together as one unit. They have weathered the storms of different marital seasons. They have learned who should lead and who should follow. They have learned that mistakes maybe made but it can be corrected. Or they could just laugh and keep going with the dance. Most of all they have learned to get the dance right they must learn the steps from the dance instructor. The one who made up the dance in the first place. 

They have learned that the instructor is God. He is the leader and creator of the marital dance. Only He can teach us how to get the steps right. Only He can guide us as we travel through the seasons of marriage. As we lean on Him He will get us to the place where we can just get up and dance as we keep the faith growing in our marriage.

The dance of marriage God's way is being threaten and only those couples who listen to his voice and follow his dance step will make it to a harmonious end. Marriage as given to us by God is for the life of the couple. We want all couples to learn their very own dance as God directs them. It takes time, effort, togetherness and love to keep your dance moving in a progressive healthy forward movement. 

Take the chance and learn the dance. No matter where your marriage is at the moment its never too late to go back to the dance instructor and learn the steps to save you two. We each have our very own couple dance and once we learn it then we can dance together in love for the rest of our marital lives. 

In the end I pray that as a couple you take heed from the words of this song by Lee Ann Womack. It states the following:
give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
"I hope you dance"!